Heal Child Abuse - Healing The Scars Of Child Abuse & Child Sex Abuse
 

Events Model: Repressed Memory Of Child Sex Abuse - "Blue"

Events Model: Repressed Memory Of  Child Sex Abuse - "Blue"

The client is male, 32, and has an assortment of problems, ranging from a number of addictions to behaviour and learning disorders, anger management issues, depression, anxiety, nightmares, and "crazy thoughts".

He suspects that he might have sexually abused as a child but has no memory thereof, and is frightened of both remembering, and not remembering.

The practitioner has explained that they will create an events model, an artificial memory and deal with that, as a practice piece and also to get some forward movement into a system that has been stuck and spinning its wheels for the better part of three decades.

Practitioner: You know yourself better than anyone else in the whole world could ever know you. You even know many things that you don't know you know. Based on all that you know about yourself, what kind of event would have to have been present to account for all of that?

Client: This is strictly hypothetical, right?

In so far that we are creating a constructed memory, no, it's not hypothetical. It's quite real.

Am I going to believe that this false memory is a real memory?

It's not a false memory, in fact that's the difference between a constructed memory, and a false memory. A false memory is a memory that was constructed somehow by accident and the person believes it's a real memory.

You will remember that we constructed this memory as a tool to help you make progress with your problems. And if you forget, we have the tape of the session to remind you that it is a memory construct, like a model, or a hologram, so we learn more about what's going on with you.

Is that ok?

Yes, that sounds fair enough.

So, what do you think, honestly and with no bullshit, would have to have happened to you for you to be like you are?

Honestly? I would have to say that I would have to have been sexually abused by someone, at a young age.

What age?

Before six, but after three, because I would not even know or ...

So pick an age for our model.

Ok, five years old.

And who was the abuser?

I don't know ...

Sorry I meant, in the model, who would the abuser have to have been for it all to play out the way it does?

Oh ok. Well I think it would have to have been a stranger, I have a thing about strangers, I don't like them and I am fascinated by them, if you know what I mean. But I have a thing about them, even the word gives me shivers.

Ok, so in the model you were abused by a stranger when you were five years old. What else needs to go into the model?

Clothes. Jeans. I have a thing about jeans. I don't really want to talk about it, but jeans, definitely.

And I take it this would have had to have been a man?

Yes.

And the abuse would have to have been sexual in nature?

Yes, but ... hm ...

Please speak freely. Remember we are constructing a model here.

The more precise, correct and truthful the model, the more chance we have to get something to work with in your systems.

We've already found one thing, the shivers over the appearance of a stranger. We can work with that later if you want to.

But at the moment, we're just collecting data for our model, like collecting the bits to make a lego car.

Ok.

So what goes in the model as to the nature of the abuse?

It was definitely sexual but not only sexual, and it wasn't like ... someone jumping on a kid, dragging it into the bushes and just raping it. It wasn't like that.

Ah. There are people called "groomers" who spend time getting to know the child and building up a relationship with them, and the abuse becomes a part of the whole experience.

Yes! Yes that's exactly right ... there's a lot more to it than just sex. Yes, so the guy had jeans on and he was a ... groomer?

That's really good. You're doing really well. What else needs to go into the model?

Blue!

Blue?

Blue. Blue sky. Sunshine.

I sometimes dream about going down a road where we used to live, it was rural, more of a path, really.

The sky was really blue and the sun was shining.

Can you put a time of year on that?

Summer. Early summer, before it gets too hot.

How about a time of day?

Early morning. Before anyone else is up and about. (Frowns and squirms in the seat)

You are feeling uncomfortable?

Well ... this is getting close to the knuckle, know what I mean?

Yes I do. That means that we have enough of the model to start making interventions if you wanted to do that now.

We can work with your discomfort right now if you want to and before we go any further.

Yeah, ahm, that would be ... good. I ... feel I'm closer to this than I have ever been, apart from in dreams, and there is all sorts of madness going on there.

(After a short EMO treatment for the squirming discomfort, the model building continues).

Client: The stranger would have to have been nice to me. Would have made me feel special.

Did he give a gift? Offer a gift?

No ... he ... ah, man, he was playing music. On a mouth organ. I'd never heard that before ...

Stop there a moment. Is this the model, or is this a memory?

It's a memory. I remember very clearly. A man sitting on a tree stump playing the mouth organ. Fucking hell ... (buries head in his hands).

What do you want to do now?

I'm ... I can't believe this. I've wracked my brain for all my life about this and I didn't remember and now I do. It's as clear as day! I can see him so clearly. He is ... about my age now. A migrant worker with a dark complexion. Unshaven. Oh fuck's sake ... that explains a thing or two ...

Take a deep breath. You're doing really well. What are you feeling in your body right now?

I feel - heat in my face. A churning in my stomach. I recognise that. I get that a lot. I have ulcers.

That's just an energy, most likely an injury. Would you like to heal that now? The energy form, not the ulcers, obviously.

Damn right I would! How?

Put your hands on your stomach. Everyone has healing hands, you do, and so do I. Let's put our healing intention on the place where it hurts and soothe that injury, gentle it, let any stuck energies flow away from that place. Where do they need to go?

Definitely down my legs but they won't go past ... my bikini line if you pardon the expression.

(Laughs) Yes that's common enough, that's where a big disturbance is located, obviously. Let's soften and flow that. Breathe deeply. Move a little, move your spine and your hips to help the energy flow. Actually stand up, that makes it a lot easier.

Yeah that helps. It's starting to flow down my legs now.

Keep encouraging it and keep rubbing your stomach to get that stuck energy out of there. That's very good, you're doing really well.

How does that feel now?

Much better, the churning is much less. The more it flows out my legs the more better it feels!

Yes, that's exactly right, that's how it works. How do you feel now?

Oh much better. Much lighter, I nearly said I felt happy there for a moment!

(both laugh)

Now, what do you want to do next?

I don't want to stop now. I'm afraid to take that home with me and what will happen with it, when I remember more.

Ok, so ... in the model, we have this young boy finding this guy sitting by the side of the road, playing the mouth organ. The child is attracted by the music ...

(Exclaims) Oh man you have NO idea! Attracted by the music! That's been such a theme in my life – a theme, get it? Oh man ... this is ...

... a simple modern way to deal with memories and disturbances. Remember that this was all over and done with a long time ago, and breathe deeply, ok.

Ok. So ... in the model, the kid goes over to the guy and so it gets started. (rubs hands together repeatedly, as though he was washing his hands) I guess he would have made me touch him first, that would make sense.

I'm curious – is there some energy from that touching stuck on your hands at all? You look as though you're washing them?

Yes, yes, you're so right, totally! It feels sticky, dirty ...

Remember that this is only an energy now, your physical hands are quite clean and have been washed many times. We just need now to get the sticky energy off, ok?

Yeah, and, you know (laughs a bit) you have no idea how much handcleansers and handcreams I've got. I've been accused that it's a fetish. I thought so too. Especially as they do come in handy, sometimes ...

Listen I must point out I feel that even though your hands feel sticky and dirty, it can't have been all bad; it's like this whole thing was partly bad and partly not bad, possibly interesting or something like that, and when it's unclear as to whether its bad or not, that's when the biggest confusions and problems set in.

(Very thoughtful) You are so right about that. I always had this nagging feeling that it can't have been a straight rape, you know? I was worried – that I might have enjoyed it. That I was bad for having enjoyed it ...

If we were to stand there and look at the child in the model and what's going on, can you understand why the child would think that way?

Oh yeah, totally! That guy is confusing the fuck out of the kid. He is saying and doing all this weird shit and the kid doesn't know whether he's coming or going – that guy is totally doing the kid's head in!

So IN THE MODEL would you say that the guy wasn't your every day paedophile kiddie fiddler?

If I look at it now, I'd say no. He was fucking crazy, that's what he was! Crazy as a coot! Some kind of vagrant with mental health problems – oh fucking, fucking, fucking hell!!!

(Silence as he is clearly thinking about many things, repeatedly shaking his head, wiping his face with his hands. He holds up his hands.)

Can we get that sticky stuff off of my hands please? I'm tired of it. I've carried that everywhere for all these years, and it's tainted everything I've touched with them – with it, on them. Please?

Oh of course, of course. Alright, as before. Know that this is only an energy form that got stuck to your hands, and like all energy, it wants to flow and move. We both focus on it now and let that energy soften and flow, flow away at last, go to where it belongs, wherever that is. Breathe deeply, keep focused on the soften and flow. What's happening?

Yes, it's starting to slide off. Dripping off slowly like tar or something.

Let's soften the energy more, warm it up a bit, speed up the process?

(Sighs deeply, starts moving and flexing the fingers which were previously completely rigid) Yes, the warmth, that helps. My hands are – were – terrible in the cold.

Keep warming it up and letting that energy flow away. How is it going?

(Takes a very deep breath, moves neck and shoulders, arms and starts to shake out the hands quite energetically) Yes, that is feeling better now, much better. Its like with the sticky stuff gone, there life coming back into my fingertips. That feels really good, tingly.

Is it all gone now?

Yes, it's all gone. It's funny my hands feel so vulnerable now, as though the sticky stuff was protecting them? Oh that's really strange ... I'm feeling as though I never touched him at all, I had sticky gloves on that took all the brunt of it!

That's amazing! Oh how interesting! Yes I can see that – you made a shield so you didn't have to really touch him with your pure energy hands!

Oh that is so good, I love it!

(Amazed, smiling, looking flushed and excited at own hands) That is amazing, you're right!

And all this time I thought they were dirty – but I never got my real hands dirty at all! (Laughs out aloud and is clearly delighted).

(Both take a moment to celebrate the success and breakthough insights, then the practitioner directs attention back to the model.)

So take a look now, what else needs to have been there? What else do we need to do to make that – not ok that it happened, that sort of thing is never ok, but so that it doesn't hurt you anymore?

(Thoughtful, shaking his head, smiling) You know, after all of that, after all those years of thinking all these terrible things must have happened to me, I can't believe it that it could be so simple – you know I really think that's it?

I don't think he ever touched me, and I don't think I stayed after that, and he didn't chase me or anything, either ...

It's crazy! Such a little thing, and such crazy repercussions ...

I thought I was completely insane and bad and dirty and I tell you, I've been so mixed up about it all – and it's only this little thing ...

I'm feeling quite ashamed actually to have made such a big deal out of it.

Now I can't let you say that about the kid in the model.

I can't let you go away thinking that.

Look at the kid in the model.

Was it a little thing for him?

(Very thoughtful, very instantly nearly close to tears) No it wasn't a little thing for him.

It was – earthshattering, that's what it was. It completely destroyed the world that was before somehow, I don't know how, and life was never the same again.

I was never the same again. Happy go lucky just loving everyone and everything ... (starts to cry).

(Softly) It was a long time ago. All of that is just memories now. Sometimes, what I like to do in moments like this is to go into model myself, give the kid a hug, tell them there is someone there who loves them, and that it's alright, that they didn't do anything wrong ...

(Still crying but more present) I think I'd like to do that.

(Waits)

(Sighs deeply) You know I didn't have a dad, there wasn't anyone really to look out for me or to look up to, to know what you're supposed to do, anything like that. My mom didn't have time, there were so many of us and she had to work so hard to make ends meet ...

(Softly) Well, you're a grown man now. You can be the kid's dad in the model, just once is better than never at all, especially in a moment such as this, when the boy really needs his father ...

(Still crying but laughs now a little) I wouldn't want to try and be anyone's father, I'd be a terrible father.

(Seriously) You just have to love him.

(Not crying anymore, very seriously) I don't know if I could, if I could love him good enough to make up for ... that ...

Try it. You might be surprised.

What do I do?

Just step into the model, see the boy running away.

Stand on that road under the blue sky and call him to you, and then we take it from there.

(Wraps arms around own shoulders, leans forward, starts to cry again)

Tell me what's happening.

I'm holding him. I'm holding him to my heart.

Let him into your heart. He is only an energy now. He won't hurt you.

I want to, oh ... (a shiver goes through the entire man, and there are more tears but they flow freely)

You're doing really well. Just let that energy flow into you, through you, let it flow ...

Oh God that feels ... amazing ... I've never felt anything like this before.

Where is it going?

Everywhere – into my stomach and feels so warm and nice – into my legs, my hands, my head, into my eyes, beautiful, that feels so ... wonderful ...

(Reverend silence)

(Opens his eyes, and a completely different energy is about this person as he says clearly and with volition:)

I'll never let anyone hurt me like that again.

Indeed, you won't.

That was the lesson, you know – all these years, and I never understood the lesson.

The lesson ... of the event?

Yes. That I need to take care of myself, and protect myself from people who are trying to do my head in, take advantage of me. That was the lesson.

And now?

(Smiles) I have learned the lesson ...

(Both take a deep breath, in and out, exactly at the same time)

(Practitioner) And now?

And now I'm – blown away. I'm amazed. I'm – just more than delighted, liberated, I can't tell you how I feel right now because I've never felt like that before.

Like ...?

Like I know where I'm coming from, I'm not crazy, I never was, I was ... just scared, I guess ...

And you're not scared anymore?

Strangely, no. They say the truth shall set you free, don't they!

The truth, and that love heals everything.

Yeah and that's the most amazing thing.

It was love all the way.

Like the gloves to protect me so I wouldn't get my hands dirty.

I – love me!

That is THE weirdest thought and feeling I've ever had in my life!

(Starts to laugh and can't stop laughing, and the practitioner joins in. Eventually, they both get up and shake hands, then the client laughs and hugs the practitioner instead).

Posted Feb 26, 2011   

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